Fear No Man!
I'll make you a MASTER of LLAP-Goch
... the Secret Welsh ART of SELF DEFENCE that requires NO
INTELLIGENCE, STRENGTH or PHYSICAL courage.
The FANTASTIC SECRETS of
the SECRET world-famous method of SELF DEFENCE, kept secret for
centuries because of their DEADLY POWER to MAIM, KILL, SMASH, BATTER,
FRACTURE, CRUSH, DISMEMBER, CRACK, DISEMBOWEL, CRIPPLE, SNAP and HARM
are now revealed to YOU in the English Language by a
LLAP-GOCH master AT HIS OWN RISK, PROVIDED you
promise to MAIM, CRUSH, DISEMBOWEL and so on ONLY in SELF
DEFENCE. (This is just to cover ourselves, as you will understand.)
WHY "At his own risk?"
BECAUSE if his fellow masters of LLAP-GOCH DISCOVER his IDENTITY, they will
PUNISH HIM SEVERELY for revealing the DEADLY secrets he had promised
to keep SECRET, without giving them a piece of the ACTION, and also
BECAUSE of the TERRIBLE risk of PUNISHMENT he runs under the Trades
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH?
IT is THE most DEADLY form OF SECRET self-DEFENCE that HAS ever been
widely advertised and available to EVERYONE.
WHY ALL the CAPITALS?
Because THE most likely kind OF person TO answer THIS sort OF
advertisement HAS less trouble under-STANDING words if they ARE
written in BIG letters.
WHAT is LLAP-GOCH again?
It is an ANCIENT Welsh ART based on a BRILLIANTLY simple I-D-E-A, which
is a SECRET. The best form of DEFENCE is ATTACK (Clausewitz) and the
most VITAL element of ATTACK is SURPRISE (Oscar HAMMERstein). Therefore,
the BEST way to protect yourself AGAINST any ASSAILANT is to ATTACK him
before he attacks YOU... Or BETTER... BEFORE the THOUGHT of doing so has
EVEN OCCURRED TO HIM!!! SO YOU MAY BE ABLE TO RENDER YOUR ASSAILANT
UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE he is EVEN aware of your very existence!
No longer need you feel WEAK, helpless, INDECISIVE, NOT fascinating
and ASHAMED of your genital dimensions. No more need you be
out-manoeuvred in political debate!! GOOD BYE HUMILIATION,
wisecracking bullies, Karate experts, boxing champions, sarcastic
vicars, traffic wardens; entire panzer divisions will melt to pulp as
you master every situation without INADEQUACY. PROTECT YOUR LOVED
ONES. You will no longer look pitiful and spotty to your GIRL FRIENDS
when you leave some unsuspecting passer-by looking like four tins of
cat food! They will admire your MASTERY and DECISIVENESS and LACK OF
INADEQUACY and will almost certainly let you put your HAND inside
their BLOUSE out of sheer ADMIRATION. And after seeing more of your
expert disabling they'll almost definitely go to bed with you,
although obviously we can't ABSOLUTELY guarantee this, still it's
extremely likely and would make learning
LLAP-GOCH really worthwhile although legally we
can't PROMISE anything.
Why WELSH Art?
LLAP-GOCH was developed in Wales because
for the average Welshman, the best prospects of achieving a reasonable
standard of living lie with the acquisition of the most efficient
techniques of armed robbery.
HOW do I learn?
No, you mean "How do You Learn". I know already.
HOW do You Learn?
You receive ABSOLUTELY FREE your own special personal
LLAP-GOCH Picture Book with hundreds of
PHOTOGRAPHS and just a very few plain, clear and simple, easy to
Only a FOUR-SECOND WORK-OUT Each Day!
And you will be ready to HARM people!
- DEVELOP UP TO 38" BICEPS
- GROW UP TO 12" TALLER
- LOSE UP TO 40" OF FAT IN YOUR FIRST WORK-OUT!
- PROLONG YOUR LIFE BY UP TO 1,000 YEARS
- GO TO BED WITH UP TO ANY LUDICROUS NUMBER OF GIRLS YOU
CARE TO THINK OF PROVIDING YOU REALIZE THIS STATEMENT IS QUITE MEANINGLESS AS THE PHRASE
"UP TO" CLEARLY INCLUDES THE NUMBER "NOUGHT".
WHAT Does it Cost?
This, like LLAP-GOCH, is a SECRET but you
will find out sooner or later, don't worry.
FILL IN DARING
HAIR-RAISING MONEY-SAVING HALF-PRICE NO-RISK FREE-TRIAL FORM NOW!
O.K. Honourable Master, I accept your daring, hair-raising, mind-boggling,
blood-curdling, no-risk, half-price, free-trial offer to reveal the secrets
of LLAP-GOCH in a
plain wrapper at once. Yes Master, I never again want to be 'Weak In
The Knees' and 'Chicken Out' and 'Wet My Pants' when insulted and
I agree never to abuse the principles of
LLAP-GOCH or consult a lawyer.
I am over 4.
I have an extra Y chromosome.
Bill me later. I understand that if I am
not completely satisfied I have been had.
Arthur Gannet (Violence) Ltd.